How To Be A Real Friend

I have learned, the hard way, that being a real friend to someone, whether it's a loving family member or someone you're just very close to, means simply just being there for him or her. Being there without advising or judging but rather just listening is truly key. Being there and just listening without expressing your own view is often just what is needed. It's giving someone the space to express their thoughts and feelings without their feeling shame or guilt. Advice, that is often unsolicited, is seldom what one is seeking when a need to talk or confide is expressed. Rather, he or she is looking for a sounding board, a vehicle for venting, for expressing a need, or conveying a problem. Often, you've been chosen because of the trust he or she has in you and your mutual caring relationship. It's both a compliment to you, but can also be a burden. If nothing more, you must not allow yourself to betray that trust. By merely allowing the other person to open their hearts or speak their mind, you are enabling that person to experience an emotional release. In this therapeutic climate, it is not about you, and restrain is of the utmost. This really is not a verbal interaction; you're just filling a need.
An example of where giving advice can back fire is a situation where a friend confides in you of an emotional problem that he or she has been dealing with. You think to yourself that you have the answers and also that maybe some tough love is what's needed here. Your friend is caught up in the dialogue and relieved to be able to get this problem off his or her chest. The words of advice are just what they need, at the moment, and the supportive feedback is hitting the target. You leave the situation with an "I'm there for you anytime." "Stay strong." "I know you can do it." Your friend is relieved. Someone is really there for them and comforted that they can call on you for that the proverbial "shot in the arm" if necessary. You have truly bonded and are happy when the calls of distress come in. "Hang in there. You're doing great." Then one day the calls stop; your friend doesn't answer your emails, or return your messages. You might finally get through and much to your surprise, there is a coolness, in his or her voice; small talk is being made and no more personal information is being conveyed. What's going on here? What's going on is that your friend, being human, has erred; has not followed your advice and feels guilty and ashamed, not wanting to face you any more. Maybe, you were their only source for sharing personal information with, and he or she is feeling all alone and maybe even a little desperate. Your efforts have not only been wasted, you have lost this person who no longer wants to share. ; And, in all likelihood, would rather end the relationship. The scary thing is without you to lean on, who knows what the desperation will drive a person to. It could be even become dangerous in that you never know what someone is capable of when they're at the end of their rope.

Even if advice is solicited, do not be tempted to engage in that type of interaction with someone, especially whose psyche is in a delicate state. Ask yourself am I doing this for them or for me. Often do-gooders need to play heroic roles to boost their own self esteem. The end result is you are often as let down as the person you were trying to help, when they can't live up to your expectations.

If you are really concerned for someone’s well being don't take it upon yourself to intervene, but rather suggest that professional help is sought. Be there and listen, really just listen.